Ego is like a room of your own, a room with a view with the temperature and the smells and the music that you like. You want it your own way. You’d just like to have a little peace, you’d like to have a little happiness, you know, just gimme a break. But the more you think that way, the more you try to get life to come out so that it will always suit you, the more your fear of other people and what’s outside your room grows. Rather than becoming more relaxed, you start pulling down the shades and locking the door. When you do go out, you find the experience more and more unsettling and disagreeable. You become touchier, more fearful, more irritable than ever. The more you try to get it your way, the less you feel at home.

–Pema Chodron

It’s ironic how the harder you try to control your life, the more out of control it becomes. And futile worrying will get you absolutely nowhere. Oh friends, don’t I know this truth so well! The past several months I have watched myself slip out of control in my life and try so desperately to keep it together. I remember when I got my palm read, the psychic Rose told me that at one point last year, I was on what I thought was the road to success. But when I took a detour, I have been on this new road of trying to replicate where I once was…and it isn’t doing me any good. I felt like I “lost” my way and I have been trying to do what I once did in order to get back there.

But the point is I am not supposed to get back there, wherever there supposedly is.  The problem, however, is that I am fighting this new road that I am on. It’s time to accept that I am where I am supposed to be.

I will look back on this time with great awe for how greatly I grew. I can feel its essence: it’s a time of beautiful transition, growth, and change. But if I can just be honest, somedays I just sit on the floor and cry. I stress out a lot about finding a job and how I am going to pay next month’s rent; I worry about finding independence and making a name for myself. Most days I stare at this blog, unmotivated to respond or even create new recipes. That is just me trying to pull the shades down and lock the door out of fear, though. Life, in some ways, isn’t going the way I want and so for me to control it, I escape and shut down.

But I’m getting nowhere fast when I resist change. I want nothing more than to feel more at home; more at home in this place of transition. And I know that my first step is to let go of my control and ego. This is the hardest first step.

I need a drink.

Boozy Peppermint Hot Chocolate

Dairy-free

Serves 2

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1/4 c. coconut oil (this gives the cocoa such a creamy good taste)
  • 3 heaping Tbs cocoa powder
  • 2 Tbs of maple syrup
  • Pinch of salt
  • 3 cups non-dairy milk (add more if too chocolately)
  • 1/4 c. Peppermint Schnapps
  • Crushed candy canes (optional, for coating cup)
  • Non-dairy whipped cream (optional)
  • Dandies marshmallows (optional)
  • Peppermint sticks (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

  1. Mix oil, cocoa powder, syrup and salt into a small saucepan until smooth.
  2. Pour non-dairy milk into saucepan, turn heat to low, and whisk hot chocolate occassionally until smooth and desired temp is reached (5 min-ish).
  3. Dump alcohol into saucepan and stir.
  4. Pour into cups and enjoy.